By David Petlansky
When I was 17 years old, I started my first real job at Hollywood Video. It is a time of my life that I will always remember as a highlight both professionally and personally. It was a place that I learned responsibility and taking ownership of a position I held in a company. I quickly moved up the ladder and became the youngest shift manager to be promoted at the age of 17, which was actually against company policy, but due to my manager and customer reviews, an exception was made. Hollywood Video is also where I met someone who would have a huge impact on my life, both immediately and eventually.Jason Uriah House. A 23 year old, kind-hearted, deeply depressed cynic.He introduced me to the idea of questioning everything.He introduced me to the idea of choosing my own beliefs and realizing my own principles and convictions.He taught me what it means to actively live by your principles, and not just act like you do.He also introduced me to three wonderful movies: The Big Lebowski, Office Space, and The Rocky Horror Picture Show.He acted as a mirror, allowing me to finally define the feelings of angst and anxiety and sadness that I had always felt, but never understood.Like most of my heroes, he died young and by his own hands.
I remember my first day at Hollywood Video, he took an interest in me in a mentor relationship kind of way. I felt like he saw a potential in me and he took extra time to coach me and even seemed to worry about my well being, right off the bat. I was just a stupid 17 year old teenager, hung up on girls, and highschool, and making Jackass videos on my free time. For some reason, he saw more than that. It was like he was connecting with the person I would grow to be. I remember thinking he was so old and how cool it was that an adult and my superior was treating me as an equal.
He was a very mysterious person. Like a puzzle that you would get random pieces to each day to slowly put together the story of what made him how he was. I felt honored that I was one of the only people he confided in, and took that responsibility very seriously. My commitment during those years was not only to Hollywood Video, but mostly to my boss, Jason House. I wanted to impress him, to make a habit of always being there when he needed me, as if it were my personal mission to re-instill his faith in humanity, which he had totally lost. I wanted to change his outlook in that aspect because I thought it would make him feel better. But honestly, that outlook contributed to one of the many things I admired about him. The fact that he had no faith in humanity whatsoever, but still had such a heart for humans on an individual level.
I always sensed that someone somewhere along his life caused him a great deal of pain. Many clues led me to his father, but as I've grown, I've come to realize that it was just a general consensus that his overly perceptive and ultra sensitive mind had collected all of his life, leaving him with a deep feeling of isolation, sadness and anger. Now, more than ever, I can't blame him for those feelings. He always told me, "People will let you down. Do not trust anyone." And over the years, I have realized that his statement is right more often than not. He had no interest in changing the world, or if he did, he had already decided that it was a hopeless pursuit. No, his sole interest was to not be a part of this world, it just took him a while to find the courage to facilitate that dream.
His principles and his conviction to his principles amazed and inspired me and has a great deal to do with the person I am today. He hated pedophiles, who doesn't? I remember one night during an inventory, he took every single Micheal Jackson VHS along with every copy we had of Powder (the director is a convicted pedophile, served his time, and now routinely does work for Disney's Buena Vista) out to the parking lot and busted them against the concrete before tossing the pieces in the dumpster. He didn't care that it would come down on him as the manager when inventory came up short, which was a big deal. Before that event, he would actually deny the sale of those videos to customers who brought them to the counter wishing to rent them. Finally, he decided to alleviate the issue completely. Many times, if a customer was being a jerk to one of his employees, even a little bit rude, he would step in our place and tell the costumer to "take their rude asses to Blockbuster." And then when they complained that they would speak to his boss about the way they were treated, he would proudly write down more information about himself than they needed to identify him along with every corporate number he had, and smile and hand it to them and say "Have a nice day" with the same smug tone they were using to push around his employee.That was the kind of person he was, he was kind and wonderful to people who deserved it, and he was the worst kind of enemy to people that deserved that side of him too. I admired him for his ability to compartmentalize his emotions like that.
I remember him and I would sit in the back office hours after our shifts were over and the store was closed, talking about everything under the sun until the wee morning hours. He loved to talk about his distaste for God around me because he knew I was a heavy church goer and that was his way of trying to enlighten me to his point of view in order to save me from the false hopes and manufactured sincerity you find in religion. One statement he said will always stick in my mind, he said "David, the only reason I would ever want to go to Heaven is so I could look God in the face and say 'Fuck you, you asshole.'" See, he didn't actually believe in God or Heaven or Hell. This was a deliberate choice he made because if God did, in fact, exist, in Jason's eyes, he would be responsible for allowing all the bad things that happen in this world to take place. So, either God didn't exist or he was an asshole that he wanted nothing to do with. These are feelings that I often have. Like him, I have a hard time buying into the idea of freewill and an all powerful unconditional loving supreme being sitting back while children are molested and murdered, and wonderful people like Jason suffer through life. I will always see the validity to his view that I'd rather God not exist at all, because if he is up there, I would have to hold him responsible for the disgusting things that happen on his watch while he conveniently hides behind the idea of freewill. I guess you can say Jason's views in that area came to have a tremendous impact on my perception of the God I learned about in church.
Jason didn't love his job by any means, but he had no friends by his own choice and was isolated from his family since he was 18 and moved away, so he spent nearly every day at work even when he wasn't scheduled. So, on occasions, when he wouldn't show up for 4 or 5 days at a time when he was scheduled, it was obvious something serious was going on. Nobody else knew what was happening during the absences, but he would always candidly confide in me upon his return. He would try to overdose, and end up passed out for days at a time. He said it was the worst kind of torture feeling like you are finally getting to leave this fucked up place and be done with it, thinking that you finally successfully ended it, only to wake up feeling worse because he had a taste of death during his pill induced extended sleeps. He was always asking me if I could get him any pills. He didn't care what they were, he wasn't looking to get high, he just wanted to die. When he asked, it was a desperate begging, a pleading, as if he were a dog who had been ran over, looking mournfully into my eyes, begging me to help him out of his misery. He was always so angry with himself because he couldn't find the courage to pull the trigger. I remember one time he told me, "Just think, every night while you're on your knees praying at your bed, I'm on my knees with a gun in my mouth begging for the courage to shoot."
When I fully understood his seriousness concerning attempting suicide, I found myself in a very awkward position. I had no idea what to do. I felt like if I repeated anything he said to me in confidence to anyone else, it would burn the one bridge he had to another human being. But I didn't know how effective that bridge was anyway, since I had no idea what to say to him when he talked like that. I wanted to be supportive and let him know that I was there for him, but wasn't sure how to do that while, at the same time, disagreeing with his actions, which I could never fully disagree with, knowing the mental anguish he was going through on a daily basis. This was a man that I looked up to for his ability to stick to his choices regardless of the consequences, he did not back down from what he believed in and I loved that. It also made me trust him because of how much faith he had in himself. To be able to be sure that you want to end your life and actively pursue it takes a level of commitment and conviction that I had never seen in anyone else, so who was I to tell him he was wrong? A big part of me believed him.
In 2002, I made a stupid teenage impulsive decision to quit Hollywood Video and work at Old Navy. For two reasons, one: because I was unfairly demoted back to customer service rep when a new general manager was hired and didn't agree with the exception that was made for me, and two: because I was a stupid teenager and wanted to be at the mall where the hot girls hung out. God, was I an idiot. I know it sounds silly, but leaving Hollywood Video will always be one of my biggest regrets because I have yet to find a job that I enjoy as much as I loved going to work there. Jason was very hurt by my choice to leave and took it personally. Our friendship solely existed at Hollywood Video so he percieved it as me making a choice to quit our friendship, not just a job.
A few months had gone by since I quit, and I had already hated Old Navy enough to quit there to work for my step-father running errands for his permitting company. Jason was always on my mind. I always had this feeling like I should stop by and patch things up, with the understanding that I was his only confidant and the guilty feelings of wondering who he had to talk to now, if anyone, that I had caused him to have to bottle all of his feelings inside. The week before Thanksgiving in 2003, my errands for my step-father's company brought me past his residence numerous times and I had this strong urge, which I selfishly ignored due to my own feelings of discomfort, to stop by his house and invite him to spend Thanksgiving with my family. I knew he spent every holiday alone because he would always give his employees off on Christmas and Thanksgiving and other holidays when families get together and he would work those days. Going back to my strong commitment to him, most of those holidays, I worked double shifts with him and would attempt to create our own holidays while working, since nearly no costumers came in. The last Christmas I was there, my mom actually brought us Christmas dinner, which was a really nice time. I should have stopped to invite him, but I didn't, and that is a regret I will always live with regardless of how many people tell me what happened wasn't my fault.
Thanksgiving night of 2003 I got a call from my friend who still worked at Hollywood Video. He told me Jason was dead. He finally built up the courage to pull the trigger. You would think I wouldn't have been shocked after all of our talks, but I was floored. The fact that someone I sat with and laughed with and looked up to, was no longer a part of this world, and by his own hands, escaped my immediate understanding. It took a while for it to fully register to me. For years I was in denial, thinking (or hoping) he faked it to escape his many financial troubles, or to finally go to a place where be could be secluded. I would see him in so many people, and still do to this day, and part of me will be convinced that it is actually him and he is okay. I long to see him in people because I have yet to meet a soul that is as beautifully tormented as his was, which appealed to me in such a strong way.
The fact of the matter is, he was right. This world is a sad and lonely place full of heartache and letdowns. In a good world, he would be alive and smiling, but this is not a good world. He is dead and gone and forever missed in my memories and regrets. If there is a Heaven, he deserves to be there.
When I was 17 years old, I started my first real job at Hollywood Video. It is a time of my life that I will always remember as a highlight both professionally and personally. It was a place that I learned responsibility and taking ownership of a position I held in a company. I quickly moved up the ladder and became the youngest shift manager to be promoted at the age of 17, which was actually against company policy, but due to my manager and customer reviews, an exception was made. Hollywood Video is also where I met someone who would have a huge impact on my life, both immediately and eventually.Jason Uriah House. A 23 year old, kind-hearted, deeply depressed cynic.He introduced me to the idea of questioning everything.He introduced me to the idea of choosing my own beliefs and realizing my own principles and convictions.He taught me what it means to actively live by your principles, and not just act like you do.He also introduced me to three wonderful movies: The Big Lebowski, Office Space, and The Rocky Horror Picture Show.He acted as a mirror, allowing me to finally define the feelings of angst and anxiety and sadness that I had always felt, but never understood.Like most of my heroes, he died young and by his own hands.
I remember my first day at Hollywood Video, he took an interest in me in a mentor relationship kind of way. I felt like he saw a potential in me and he took extra time to coach me and even seemed to worry about my well being, right off the bat. I was just a stupid 17 year old teenager, hung up on girls, and highschool, and making Jackass videos on my free time. For some reason, he saw more than that. It was like he was connecting with the person I would grow to be. I remember thinking he was so old and how cool it was that an adult and my superior was treating me as an equal.
He was a very mysterious person. Like a puzzle that you would get random pieces to each day to slowly put together the story of what made him how he was. I felt honored that I was one of the only people he confided in, and took that responsibility very seriously. My commitment during those years was not only to Hollywood Video, but mostly to my boss, Jason House. I wanted to impress him, to make a habit of always being there when he needed me, as if it were my personal mission to re-instill his faith in humanity, which he had totally lost. I wanted to change his outlook in that aspect because I thought it would make him feel better. But honestly, that outlook contributed to one of the many things I admired about him. The fact that he had no faith in humanity whatsoever, but still had such a heart for humans on an individual level.
I always sensed that someone somewhere along his life caused him a great deal of pain. Many clues led me to his father, but as I've grown, I've come to realize that it was just a general consensus that his overly perceptive and ultra sensitive mind had collected all of his life, leaving him with a deep feeling of isolation, sadness and anger. Now, more than ever, I can't blame him for those feelings. He always told me, "People will let you down. Do not trust anyone." And over the years, I have realized that his statement is right more often than not. He had no interest in changing the world, or if he did, he had already decided that it was a hopeless pursuit. No, his sole interest was to not be a part of this world, it just took him a while to find the courage to facilitate that dream.
His principles and his conviction to his principles amazed and inspired me and has a great deal to do with the person I am today. He hated pedophiles, who doesn't? I remember one night during an inventory, he took every single Micheal Jackson VHS along with every copy we had of Powder (the director is a convicted pedophile, served his time, and now routinely does work for Disney's Buena Vista) out to the parking lot and busted them against the concrete before tossing the pieces in the dumpster. He didn't care that it would come down on him as the manager when inventory came up short, which was a big deal. Before that event, he would actually deny the sale of those videos to customers who brought them to the counter wishing to rent them. Finally, he decided to alleviate the issue completely. Many times, if a customer was being a jerk to one of his employees, even a little bit rude, he would step in our place and tell the costumer to "take their rude asses to Blockbuster." And then when they complained that they would speak to his boss about the way they were treated, he would proudly write down more information about himself than they needed to identify him along with every corporate number he had, and smile and hand it to them and say "Have a nice day" with the same smug tone they were using to push around his employee.That was the kind of person he was, he was kind and wonderful to people who deserved it, and he was the worst kind of enemy to people that deserved that side of him too. I admired him for his ability to compartmentalize his emotions like that.
I remember him and I would sit in the back office hours after our shifts were over and the store was closed, talking about everything under the sun until the wee morning hours. He loved to talk about his distaste for God around me because he knew I was a heavy church goer and that was his way of trying to enlighten me to his point of view in order to save me from the false hopes and manufactured sincerity you find in religion. One statement he said will always stick in my mind, he said "David, the only reason I would ever want to go to Heaven is so I could look God in the face and say 'Fuck you, you asshole.'" See, he didn't actually believe in God or Heaven or Hell. This was a deliberate choice he made because if God did, in fact, exist, in Jason's eyes, he would be responsible for allowing all the bad things that happen in this world to take place. So, either God didn't exist or he was an asshole that he wanted nothing to do with. These are feelings that I often have. Like him, I have a hard time buying into the idea of freewill and an all powerful unconditional loving supreme being sitting back while children are molested and murdered, and wonderful people like Jason suffer through life. I will always see the validity to his view that I'd rather God not exist at all, because if he is up there, I would have to hold him responsible for the disgusting things that happen on his watch while he conveniently hides behind the idea of freewill. I guess you can say Jason's views in that area came to have a tremendous impact on my perception of the God I learned about in church.
Jason didn't love his job by any means, but he had no friends by his own choice and was isolated from his family since he was 18 and moved away, so he spent nearly every day at work even when he wasn't scheduled. So, on occasions, when he wouldn't show up for 4 or 5 days at a time when he was scheduled, it was obvious something serious was going on. Nobody else knew what was happening during the absences, but he would always candidly confide in me upon his return. He would try to overdose, and end up passed out for days at a time. He said it was the worst kind of torture feeling like you are finally getting to leave this fucked up place and be done with it, thinking that you finally successfully ended it, only to wake up feeling worse because he had a taste of death during his pill induced extended sleeps. He was always asking me if I could get him any pills. He didn't care what they were, he wasn't looking to get high, he just wanted to die. When he asked, it was a desperate begging, a pleading, as if he were a dog who had been ran over, looking mournfully into my eyes, begging me to help him out of his misery. He was always so angry with himself because he couldn't find the courage to pull the trigger. I remember one time he told me, "Just think, every night while you're on your knees praying at your bed, I'm on my knees with a gun in my mouth begging for the courage to shoot."
When I fully understood his seriousness concerning attempting suicide, I found myself in a very awkward position. I had no idea what to do. I felt like if I repeated anything he said to me in confidence to anyone else, it would burn the one bridge he had to another human being. But I didn't know how effective that bridge was anyway, since I had no idea what to say to him when he talked like that. I wanted to be supportive and let him know that I was there for him, but wasn't sure how to do that while, at the same time, disagreeing with his actions, which I could never fully disagree with, knowing the mental anguish he was going through on a daily basis. This was a man that I looked up to for his ability to stick to his choices regardless of the consequences, he did not back down from what he believed in and I loved that. It also made me trust him because of how much faith he had in himself. To be able to be sure that you want to end your life and actively pursue it takes a level of commitment and conviction that I had never seen in anyone else, so who was I to tell him he was wrong? A big part of me believed him.
In 2002, I made a stupid teenage impulsive decision to quit Hollywood Video and work at Old Navy. For two reasons, one: because I was unfairly demoted back to customer service rep when a new general manager was hired and didn't agree with the exception that was made for me, and two: because I was a stupid teenager and wanted to be at the mall where the hot girls hung out. God, was I an idiot. I know it sounds silly, but leaving Hollywood Video will always be one of my biggest regrets because I have yet to find a job that I enjoy as much as I loved going to work there. Jason was very hurt by my choice to leave and took it personally. Our friendship solely existed at Hollywood Video so he percieved it as me making a choice to quit our friendship, not just a job.
A few months had gone by since I quit, and I had already hated Old Navy enough to quit there to work for my step-father running errands for his permitting company. Jason was always on my mind. I always had this feeling like I should stop by and patch things up, with the understanding that I was his only confidant and the guilty feelings of wondering who he had to talk to now, if anyone, that I had caused him to have to bottle all of his feelings inside. The week before Thanksgiving in 2003, my errands for my step-father's company brought me past his residence numerous times and I had this strong urge, which I selfishly ignored due to my own feelings of discomfort, to stop by his house and invite him to spend Thanksgiving with my family. I knew he spent every holiday alone because he would always give his employees off on Christmas and Thanksgiving and other holidays when families get together and he would work those days. Going back to my strong commitment to him, most of those holidays, I worked double shifts with him and would attempt to create our own holidays while working, since nearly no costumers came in. The last Christmas I was there, my mom actually brought us Christmas dinner, which was a really nice time. I should have stopped to invite him, but I didn't, and that is a regret I will always live with regardless of how many people tell me what happened wasn't my fault.
Thanksgiving night of 2003 I got a call from my friend who still worked at Hollywood Video. He told me Jason was dead. He finally built up the courage to pull the trigger. You would think I wouldn't have been shocked after all of our talks, but I was floored. The fact that someone I sat with and laughed with and looked up to, was no longer a part of this world, and by his own hands, escaped my immediate understanding. It took a while for it to fully register to me. For years I was in denial, thinking (or hoping) he faked it to escape his many financial troubles, or to finally go to a place where be could be secluded. I would see him in so many people, and still do to this day, and part of me will be convinced that it is actually him and he is okay. I long to see him in people because I have yet to meet a soul that is as beautifully tormented as his was, which appealed to me in such a strong way.
The fact of the matter is, he was right. This world is a sad and lonely place full of heartache and letdowns. In a good world, he would be alive and smiling, but this is not a good world. He is dead and gone and forever missed in my memories and regrets. If there is a Heaven, he deserves to be there.